


Trouble in Paradise

by NamelesslyNightlock



Series: Going Down Swinging [66]
Category: Avengers Assemble (Cartoon), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Arguing, Avengers Family, BAMF Loki (Marvel), BAMF Natasha Romanov, Breaking Up & Making Up, Domestic Avengers, Engagement, Established Relationship, Fights, Genius Loki (Marvel), Genius Tony Stark, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Humor, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) is a Good Bro, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, M/M, Manipulative Nick Fury, Matchmaker Natasha Romanov, Matchmaker Nick Fury, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Nick Fury Swears, Nick Fury is Not Amused, POV Natasha Romanov, POV Outsider, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Protective Loki (Marvel), Public Display of Affection, Relationship Reveal, Secret Relationship, Temper Tantrums, The Avengers Are Good Bros, Thor (Marvel) is Not Stupid, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Is Bait, Tony Stark is not an idiot, Worried Loki (Marvel), Worried Natasha Romanov, flyting, matchmaker avengers, not so secret relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25146022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamelesslyNightlock/pseuds/NamelesslyNightlock
Summary: When Fury realises that the safety of New York may well depend upon Tony Stark’s questionable ability to stay in a committed relationship, he puts his best agents on the case.And while Clint and Natasha's methods may be a little... unorthodox, Fury can’t argue with the end result.
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Avengers Team
Series: Going Down Swinging [66]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1330490
Comments: 55
Kudos: 668
Collections: Best Complete MCU Fics Ever





	Trouble in Paradise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [divinecrone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/divinecrone/gifts), [STARSdidathing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/STARSdidathing/gifts).



> So this one, was inspired by something **STARSdidathing** said to me, which was inspired by a comment she got on one of her fics from **divinecrone**. You can see the comment [here](https://archiveofourown.org/comments/232664881) if you're interested. Thank you both!  
>   
>  **Prompt** — _“If I die, I’m never speaking to you again.”_

When the Avengers found out that Tony was sleeping with the enemy, the first person Natasha told next was Nick Fury. She didn’t hesitate as she pushed her way into his office and slammed both her hands down on his desk, catching his full attention.

“Stark’s fucking Loki,” she said, deciding there was no point in sugar coating.

Fury blinked. “Excuse me?”

He didn’t need the full details, but Natasha gave them anyway. She reminded him about how they had been suspecting that Tony had a lover for a while, due to the fact that he had stopped with the one night stands, had become suddenly secretive about his love life and yet often walked into the kitchen in the mornings covered in evidence of a rather athletic night.

They had never guessed just _who_ he had been sleeping with, however, but then Iron Man had leapt to Loki’s defence during a scuffle between the Asgardian Mage and the Enchantress– and that, combined with the way Loki had reacted when Tony was injured, had left _very_ little room for doubt.

She, Clint, and Steve were the only ones who knew, since Hulk was too busy playing with Skurge to notice and Thor had been off-world at the time. They had unanimously decided to tell Fury immediately, because while they _did_ feel little guilty for going behind Tony’s back, it wasn’t like the guy had managed to find himself an ordinary boyfriend. Oh no. And if you decide to date Number 1 on SHIELD’s most wanted list, then you have to expect a little bit of a trouble for it at least.

Fury listened to Natasha’s tale with rapt attention, his eyes narrowing slightly as she moved through it. She _was_ expecting outrage, perhaps. Maybe a curse on Tony’s whole lineage, and at the very least a well-executed _Motherfucker_.

But, instead.

The moment she indicated that she was done, Fury leaned back into his chair with a heavy sigh.

“Good,” he said.

It was Natasha’s turn to blink in surprise. “Good?” she asked curiously. “Director, Stark is literally _sleeping_ with the enemy—”

“No, he’s sleeping with his boyfriend,” Fury corrected– and hearing that word out of Fury’s mouth was strange enough to make Natasha pause, which gave him the chance to continue. “Think about it, Romanoff, and a lot of things will make sense.”

She frowned.

“Loki has been very quiet recently,” Fury prompted her. “Have you noticed?”

Well, the Avengers dealt with a lot of villains, so tracking the movements of just one – even one as irritating as Loki –wasn’t entirely feasible. They had JARVIS to help with that as well, of course. But now that Natasha thought about it, she realised that… Fury was right.

Apart from the scuffle with the Enchantress, Loki had recently only really played pranks– which were a nuisance and a right bastard to clean up, but not harmful. Even those had been few and in between… and, thinking about it, she would be willing to bet that they coincided with Tony’s business trips out of town.

“You think Tony’s distracting him,” she realised.

“I think that the more time Loki spends fucking his boyfriend, the less time he’s terrorising innocent people,” Fury said.

Natasha’s nose wrinkled. “I’m sure there was a more tasteful way to put that.”

“Yet it’s no less true. And I know you’ve heard a lot worse.”

She didn’t respond to that, because she knew that she had. But Tony was like family to her, all of the Avengers were. That made it different, somehow.

So, instead, she turned the focus back around to _why_ she was there in the first place.

“What do you want me to do about it?” she asked. “Clint and Cap know as well—”

“And all of you will do nothing, save to encourage Stark in his relationship where he needs it. The safety of the citizens of New York City may very well depend on Tony Stark’s ability to handle a committed relationship.” _How_ he said that with a straight face, Natasha didn’t know. But it was clear that he believed the situation to be serious, and… well.

If the safety of the city _did_ depend on Tony’s ability to handle stable, long term commitment, then– perhaps this really would turn out to be more serious than she realised.

It had to be the strangest assignment that she had ever received, but Natasha took it in her stride. After all, from the way that Loki had kissed Tony after healing him earlier that day, she very much doubted that they needed any help.

—

Natasha and the other Avengers agreed it would be for the best to keep what they knew a secret, even from Tony and Loki themselves. After all, they understood the importance of Fury’s plan, and they weren’t willing to do anything to jeopardise it.

And for a while, everything seemed to go smoothly.

Now that she knew what to look for, Natasha was able to see exactly what Fury had observed. Loki truly didn’t attack often anymore. The days when he caused the most trouble were always those when Tony was out of town– and if he attacked when Iron Man was still around, Loki’s smile was always brighter, and his banter more targeted on the days after they knew he’d had a, ah, _good night_ , so to speak. He always seemed to be in a good mood, out for fun rather than to cause trouble– and it wasn’t only the Avengers’ lives that were made easier for it.

But, unfortunately, it was not long before there was trouble in paradise.

Tony walked into the kitchen one morning with a scowl, his hair and clothes a mess, his eyes dark and angry. He was muttering under his breath, and it only took the words _‘royal pain in my ass’_ for the reason behind his mood to become impossibly clear.

Natasha raised her brows at Clint, but he shook his head with exaggerated quickness. Steve, meanwhile, snuck out of the room entirely, leaving her to do the dirty work. Coward.

“Is something wrong?” she asked, trying to keep her voice as gentle as possible.

“No,” Tony muttered– but the way he slammed the fridge door hard enough to make the contents rattle said otherwise. 

Natasha wasn’t sure there was anything else she _could_ say– she recognised the mood, and knew that any attempts of comfort or commiseration would only make Tony pull away further. She and Clint were left to watch as Tony made himself a very large and very strong coffee, then stalked out of the room with his head bowed and his jaw still clenched in anger.

The moment he was gone, Natasha turned to Clint. “They had a fight,” she said.

“This is not good,” Clint muttered.

“Yes.” Natasha let her gaze linger on the door for a moment before meeting Clint’s eye. “We need to tell Fury.”

“Better you than me.”

“I have absolutely no idea what you mean,” Natasha said sweetly. “Since you’re coming with me.”

—

To say that Fury was not pleased by Stark and Loki’s breakup was an understatement.

When Natasha and Clint sat down in front of his desk, he was focused on his phone, tapping away responses to intermittent _pings_. His computer was running in front of him as well, and even though Natasha could not see what was on his screen, the way that he would glance up and scowl at it every so often suggested something similar to whatever the stream of messages involved.

“I’m assuming Stark has done something,” he said harshly.

Natasha and Clint exchanged grimaces before focusing back on the task at hand.

“Is Loki causing problems?” Natasha asked.

“You could say that,” Fury muttered. “A fire taking hold of all of Central Park which isn’t burning anything but causing a hell of a panic, a swarm of giant cockroaches racing through the streets – streets which have all somehow been coated in butter, I might add – and a bridge blocked by an illusion of some kind of giant Pokémon.”

“He’s upset,” Natasha started—

“Of course he’s upset,” Fury snapped. “This was why I told you to keep Stark in line. You needed to _keep_ him keeping _Loki_ happy, but you failed.”

Actually, Fury had very specifically told Natasha to do _nothing_ , but she wasn’t about to risk her neck pointing that out.

“Director Fury,” Clint said, leaning forward and speaking low. “Believe me when I say that we all want Tony and Loki to go back to playing happy couples. But you didn’t see Tony this morning. He looked like he was spitting fire. It’s going to take a while for them to calm down from whatever happened, let alone for them to be ready to _talk civilly_ to each other. This is going to take more than just sending Tony a subtle hint to apologise– and even that’s only providing it was him that did wrong in the first place.”

If Fury was surprised by Clint’s relationship know-how, he didn’t give any indication of it. Then again, Fury _was_ one of the few aware of Clint’s own success with commitment.

But Fury only spared them a glance before turning back to stab a finger violently at the screen of his phone. “You have to do _something_ ,” he muttered. “The Mayor is about to declare a state of emergency, and the President is asking why we don’t have this in hand. They all _know_ that it’s our purview– and there are innocent lives at risk! Not to mention– oh, for—” Fury snarled under his breath, tapping harshly at his phone again. “ _Now_ the city’s water supply has been dyed green. You had better come up with a plan to fix this, and fast.”

Natasha paused. She wasn’t sure that there _were_ lives at risk – yes, a snorlax on the Brooklyn Bridge surely was a rather large inconvenience, but it wasn’t going to kill anyone. But the wording itself gave her some inspiration.

“I think I might have an idea,” she said.

“Well, don’t keep it to yourself,” Fury snapped.

Trying not to roll her eyes, Natasha continued. “Do you remember how Loki reacted when Tony was hurt a few weeks ago?”

Clint understood immediately. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying? Because if you are—”

“I know, it might be dangerous, but—”

“Actually, I was going to say that it sounded like a heap of fun,” Clint cut in. “When do we start?”

They both turned to Fury expectantly.

“Just try to keep him in one piece,” the Director ordered, not even bothering to try and talk them out of it. Or maybe he truly was that desperate.

“You’re not even going to give us any _limits?”_ Clint asked, sounding near on giddy at that prospect.

“Just get them back together,” Fury said, putting down his phone and rubbing at his temples as if to ward away a headache. “I don’t care _how_ you do it.”

Later, Natasha would wonder whether Fury regretted giving them free rein. But they got the job done, and really, that should have been all that mattered, right?

—

“You want me to _what?”_

Tony was staring at them all with complete incredulity, as if they had spoken nothing but gibberish over the past twenty minutes that they had taken to explain their plan.

“He likes your tech,” Natasha repeated, speaking slowly as if she were explaining the plan to a child– because she knew that would irritate Tony more than anything else. “If you head over there, and you say you want to talk– he’ll come out quietly.”

“It’s his fucking _castle_ ,” Tony said, shaking his head. “He’s going to have a hundred bots on standby and you know it. If I go anywhere near the walls I’m dead.”

“Don’t be dramatic,” she said. “You’ll be fine, you’ve been through far worse than that.”

“You guys had better be waiting in the wings,” Tony snapped. “The moment it looks like things are going south, you had better fucking _run_ to be my back up.”

“Of course,” Natasha replied. Tony eyed her for a moment before shifting his gaze– and when no further response was forthcoming, she elbowed Clint in the gut.

“Oh, yeah,” Clint said quickly, shooting her a glare. “Backup, definitely. That’s us. We’ll be there the second you need us.”

Tony narrowed his eyes at Clint for a moment before turning back to Natasha.

“If I die,” Tony said seriously, “I am never speaking to you again.”

“Then you’d better not die,” Natasha said. “Now, come on. We need to act quick, before Doom decides to make a move.”

“Yes,” Steve said. “We should go.” He sounded a little stiff, but only to a trained ear. Natasha knew that Steve didn’t feel entirely comfortable with the lying, but he did understand the necessity of what they were doing, and he seemed to recognise that the means truly did justify the ends.

Tony would be _fine._

Even Bruce, who had been brought in on the seriousness of the situation, was looking appropriately grave. There really was no way for Tony to argue against the (truly suicidal) plan, and he stared at them all incredulously for another moment before giving in and asking JARVIS to bring him a suit– and a snack.

It was a long flight to Latveria, after all.

—

Just as Natasha had predicted, Tony was attacked within a single minute of arriving at Doom’s castle.

They had told him that they had heard a rumour Doom was in the market for allies, since he had recently received a threat from Magneto. The chance for extra help taking down a villain such as Magneto was, of course, too good to pass up – or it would have been, had the story been real – so they had sent Tony to offer the Avengers’ services, claiming that Doom’s interest in Tony’s tech would grant him enough of a grace period to convince Doom to listen.

But, of course, there was no threat from Magneto, and the moment he saw Iron Man approaching his castle Doom simply sent out all the Doombots at his disposal to knock him from the sky.

The Avengers watched from a distance, their Quinjet concealed with its retroreflective panels active. They weren’t worried. They’d convinced JARVIS to send Loki a message about Tony’s whereabouts of course, so they had no fear that the god wouldn’t find out in time. They _knew_ Loki would be on his way.

However, when Tony was thrown to the ground under the weight of about six Doombots at once, Natasha had to admit that she began to feel just a _little bit_ concerned.

Maybe they had miscalculated? Maybe the rift between Tony and Loki truly was too wide, and Loki had been too hurt?

Maybe he _wasn’t_ coming?

Bruce was chewing on his lip as they watched the footage from both the quinjet’s windscreen and Tony’s own viewpoint, streamed straight from his HUD by JARVIS.

Tony was pinned to the ground, and he looked like he was fighting for his life– the Doombots were tearing at his suit, pulling at the metal and hitting hard with both fists and magic. They could _hear_ him struggling, his curses and grunts coming loud and clear over the comms as he tried to free himself, as he asked JARVIS how far away his back up was—

“Uh, guys,” Bruce said, his voice hesitant. “Maybe we should—”

“No,” said Clint, pointing down below. “Look.”

They all watched with bated breath as Loki appeared in a shimmer of green– and when he saw what was happening, the screech that tore from Loki’s throat did not sound human.

What followed was a display of power like the Avengers had never seen before. Loki’s magic ripped through the bots and tore them to _shreds_ , leaving nothing but scraps as he fell to his knees beside Iron Man. The real Doom, watching from the walls, _screamed_ as he was lifted into the air, his limbs writhing but not able to fight against the green power holding him in place.

The red and gold suit that had only just stood up to the assault fell away at the touch of Loki’s fingers, and as the Avengers watched, Loki gently pulled Tony safe into his arms. He cradled Tony close to his chest as he stood, and then they both vanished with the same shimmer through the air as when Loki had appeared—

And the moment they were gone, Doom fell to the ground, landing with a dull crunch at the bottom of the wall.

“Remind me not to get on Loki’s bad side,” Bruce said meekly.

“That’s the whole point of this, isn’t it?” Natasha asked. “So long as we make sure he stays happy, we won’t ever have to fight… _that.”_

“God help us if Tony fucks up for good,” Clint muttered.

They remained almost silent as Steve turned the quinjet back around to fly them home– because even though their plan had worked, it had been almost too close to comfort.

But on top of that, it had also brought some uncomfortable truths to light.

Natasha realised that Fury had certainly been right, for her plan had worked far better than even she had expected. The look on Loki’s face had been one of pure terror, and the tenderness as he had held Tony in his arms spoke of more affection than just that of someone who spent time in Tony’s bed. The bond between those two ran deeper than simple physical chemistry, and Natasha felt the truth in Clint’s words run right down to her bones.

If Loki ever lost Tony for good, then the whole world would likely be in danger– because that would tear Loki’s heart to shreds, and she wouldn’t put it past Loki to tear the world apart with it.

—

The Avengers didn’t see Tony for a full week after that, but when he did return, he had this stupid grin on his face and a number of dark marks trailing under his collar which made it _very_ clear what he had been up to.

There was also absolutely no evidence of any kind of injury, and apart from a few pointed remarks about how Doom and Magneto had been spotted being almost civil to each other, he made no mention of the suicide mission they had sent him on.

It might have been a little odd, but honestly, the lack of chaos from Loki and Tony’s ridiculously happy attitude was worth a little weirdness.

Even _Fury_ seemed proud.

Their methods might not have been the cleanest, but no one could argue with the results.

At least for a while, anyway.

—

As it turned out, keeping Tony and Loki happy was something of a full-time job.

Perhaps they should have been able to predict that it would be– after all, the pair of them were both dramatic to the extreme, and took everything much further than it needed to go.

Sometimes, though, the fights were relatively minor, and all it took to sort them out would be kicking Tony out of the workshop and giving him a few days off to spend with his lover, so that he could focus on Loki without distraction. Sometimes, it meant that one of the Avengers would leave a vase of unclaimed flowers or a bar of chocolate on the kitchen bench, and share a secret smile when it vanished up to the penthouse.

JARVIS, somewhat unsurprisingly, was on their side as well– Natasha supposed he liked to see his creator happy, and Tony certainly was when things were going well. JARVIS was almost enthusiastic, and often offered advice for the best way to help Tony through whatever it was he and Loki were dealing with.

And when the fights were big, that often meant that they would need to throw Tony in the line of fire, forcing Loki to come to his aid– and then, inevitably, taking Tony away to make sure he was all right before sending him back much happier than he had been before. Sometimes it took only a few hours, sometimes days– the number generally directly correlated to the seriousness of the fight between the pair. Steve, unfortunately, made the mistake of mentioning that aloud once, and then they were all subjected to Clint’s exuberant analysis of why makeup sex was better than any other kind.

If Tony suspected anything, he never made mention of it. His eyes would narrow sometimes at some of their more ridiculous schemes, but he always went through with them, and generally with less complaining than there had been in the beginning.

(To be honest. Natasha began to suspect that Tony _enjoyed_ it when Loki came to his rescue, but since it got her what she wanted in the end she never dared to call him out on it.)

It was clear, however, that Tony _did_ suspect something, because there was no way he would be so sloppy as to have an argument with Loki in the middle of the Avengers kitchen one morning.

Natasha had been heading in for breakfast, and had heard shouting from the hallway– but, recognising the voice, she merely quickened her step, bracing herself to play mediator.

When she arrived it was to find Steve already there, watching wide eyed as Loki dodged out of the way of a block of cheese that went flying in his direction. 

“What happened?” she whispered, sliding in beside him.

“I… am not sure,” Steve replied. “They’re not making much sense.”

As Natasha turned her attention to the arguing pair, she realised that Steve was right. They weren’t saying anything of substance– they were just hurling insults at each other as surely as Tony was hurling food, calling each other names and – somewhat strangely – insulting each other’s virility.

“Oh, for god’s sake,” Natasha snapped, causing them both to pause and stare at her. “Why don’t you just go up to your bedroom and take it out on each other in a more productive manner, hmm? Go and prove who can last longer where we don’t have to hear it.” She stepped toward Tony and snatched the bottle of milk he had been about to fling at Loki’s head from his hands. “And stop wasting food. I want my breakfast.”

She marched past them and made her way toward the coffee maker– and by the time she turned back around, they were both gone, leaving only Steve staring at her in a manner she could only describe as smug.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Loki look so cowed,” he grinned, moving forward to pick the cheese up off the ground. “You should do that more often.”

“Hopefully, I won’t have to,” Natasha groaned.

But, of course, she was only hoping in vain.

—

After that first incident, the fights only seemed to happen in front of the team more often than not. Natasha felt like they played mediator more often than a kindergarten teacher, as if they were near constantly keeping Tony and Loki from tearing into each other’s throats.

It grew to the point that when they walked in upon the erstwhile pair curled together on the couch, or even making out in the hallway, they would only sigh in relief– because yes, Loki and Tony were together, but so long as they weren’t fighting they were _happy_.

And when they were happy, the Avengers couldn’t be anything other than pleased– because yeah, Loki might be a villain, but so long as he and Tony were together, then the world was a far safer place.

—

It didn’t take long before it felt like they had formed a perfect cycle– like the shift between fights and resolutions and the peaceful moments of domestic bliss had turned into one smooth sequence that was almost possible to predict.

Some might have described the relationship between Tony and Loki as hot and cold, but Natasha would disagree. Yes, they went from appearing to be entirely in love to being about one wrong word from plunging a knife into the other’s heart, but anyone with eyes could see that no matter what they were feeling for each other, the passion between them always remained.

The Avengers began to grow less worried that they would ever break for good, even though it sometimes seemed like their arguments were growing worse, and even though it was more than clear now that they had fallen deeply enough in love with each other that if they didn’t have the Avengers to keep them on track, Loki probably would have caused half the Eastern Seaboard to fall into the Atlantic in his anger. And Tony, of course, would probably do the same.

Case in point– once, Clint made the mistake of uttering a certain remark about Loki from the edge of one of the pair’s more brutal arguments. And even though it had been far less pointed than anything Tony had said, Tony had ripped into Clint with a volley of swears and a shove to his shoulders that had been _worse_ than anything he’d thrown at Loki.

(Although, to be fair to Clint, it did have the added benefit of Loki assaulting Tony afterward with the kind of kiss that had the rest of them clearing the room less after less than a second of it.)

But despite the apparent smoothness of the system they had worked out, there was one factor that they had all forgotten to account for.

 _Thor_.

Thor had been gone for months, busy with his princely duties on Asgard. They hadn’t even known when he was expected back– and so they hadn’t _been_ expecting him when he waltzed into the living room and right into the middle of one of Tony and Loki’s more epic fights.

Natasha was already on the scene, flanked by Steve and Bruce. The three of them were trying to work out the best way to get in between the two lovers who were currently engaged in a battle of insults, hurling barb after targeted barb at each other and truly sounding as if they were out for blood. It was almost worse than normal, their expressions twisted not just into anger but _concentration,_ as if they were trying to make their insults as hurtful as they possibly could.

Thor stared as he entered the room, his eyes glued on his brother as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. He looked like he was going to approach them– but thankfully in that moment Clint entered the room as well, immediately took Thor by the arm and then steered him toward the others.

“What is going on?” Thor asked them, confused but… not _worried_.

“They’re arguing again,” Bruce said, his voice strained. “Thor, do you have any ideas?”

“Ideas for what?” Thor asked.

Natasha almost groaned, but managed to stop herself. “Thor,” she said, keeping her voice level despite the strain she was feeling. “We need to _stop_ them—”

“Why?” Thor asked, and by that point he sounded honestly bewildered.

“They’re arguing,” Natasha said, worriedly. “And we… it’s hard to explain, but we can’t let them break up.”

“Oh.” Thor appeared thoughtful for a fraction of a moment, and Natasha thought that she might have managed to get through to him. But then his lips curved into a smile and he clapped his hand heavily on Natasha’s back. “It is pleasing to see that you care for my brother’s relationship as much as you do, Natasha, but there truly is no need. They are merely flyting.”

Natasha blinked. “They’re what?” she asked, her voice deadly quiet. She knew what flyting was, of course– she had read up on the Norse legends about Loki and Thor the moment she had realised she would be dealing with them in person. But that did _not_ fit with what she was seeing right now, because flyting was meant to be a competition, wasn’t it? Not a particularly nice one, but not the same as a fight and a subsequent break up either—

“ _Thor_ ,” Tony whined– and Natasha turned to find both he and Loki standing beside each other, staring at Thor with near identical pouts. “They were going to give us another holiday. I wanted to take Loki to the Greek Islands this time.”

“Wait a minute,” said Steve, reacting more quickly than any of the others. “Tony. Are you telling me that you are not actually fighting?”

“Fighting?” Tony asked tilting his head as if in confusion– though there was a glint in his eye which proved he _knew exactly_ what he was doing. “With _Loki?_ He’s an ass, but I wouldn’t ever say anything like that and _mean it.”_ He smiled then, a soft, ridiculous thing that lit up his whole expression as he took a step closer into his _boyfriend’s_ side. “I love him too much for that.”

Loki’s smile was equally soft as he wrapped an arm around Tony’s waist– and the way that Tony leaned into him would have been adorable, if they hadn’t been flinging insults at each other less than a minute earlier.

“This is gross,” Clint said, cutting through the confused silence. “Completely, utterly gross.”

Tony frowned. “What do you mean?” He looked like he was about ready to shove Clint again, but Clint merely shook his head.

“I can’t believe you did this, man. We’ve been running in circles trying to help you hold on to your boyfriend—”

“We know you’ve been running in circles,” Tony said. “It’s been fun to watch, actually.”

“It was quite amusing,” Loki agreed.

“Don’t you even,” Clint snapped, jabbing his index finger in Loki’s direction. “You’re only here because you make Tony happy—”

“I thought I was here because when I am sleeping with Anthony, I am not causing as much chaos as I would be otherwise,” Loki cut in, arching a brow.

There was a pause.

“Oh dear,” Loki said, his tone almost innocent. “It seems that there might be a traitor in your midst.”

Natasha narrowed her eyes. “ _JARVIS.”_

“He was only too happy to help us skip out on meetings,” Tony said, nodding sagely. “He was a pretty good help on that, actually.”

“You’re welcome, Sir,” JARVIS replied, sounding rather smug– and Natasha had to hold in the urge to shoot a glare at the nearest camera.

“Loki,” Thor said, almost sounding disappointed. “Do not tell me that you have been helping Tony skip his duties?”

“Not only that,” Loki said proudly. “It has been rather enjoyable to have a flyting partner who will neither shirk from insulting a prince nor complain when he is beaten.”

“Oh, please,” Tony argued. “You haven’t beaten me yet.”

“I most certainly have—”

“Have not—”

“May I ask something?” said Bruce, interrupting with far more politeness than Natasha would have– but then, she would have asked a question far less inflammatory than what followed. “If you were only pretending, then why… did you feel the need to throw things at each other?”

“Well, I thought it added drama and authenticity, don’t you think?” Tony said. “And besides, some of Loki’s insults do actually hurt sometimes—”

“Only _sometimes?”_ Loki asked, sounding offended. “I’ll have you know that I am a _master_ of insults—”

“If that’s the case, then why am I currently winning _this_ round?” Tony asked innocently.

“You are _not—”_

“Okay, is any of this real, or are you faking it again?” Clint cut in. “Because honestly, I can’t tell.”

Tony opened his mouth to respond, but Loki beat him to it.

“It is certainly real,” he said quickly. “I am about to break up with Anthony for good. It is going to be dramatic _and_ painful.”

Tony gasped, and turned to Loki with a broken expression so obviously faked that Natasha could honestly say she had no idea how they had managed to go undetected for so long.

“You’re going to break up with me?” Tony whispered, eyes glistening with tears. 

“Yes,” Loki told him. “I was going to let you down easily, but since you seem to have blundered upon my plan—”

“Okay, stop,” Natasha groaned. “We know your ploy, you can cut it out. Just tell us what you’re after.”

“Well, it was worth a try,” Tony sighed. Then he exchanged a glance with Loki before turning back to them with a cocky grin. “It’s just that you got one thing wrong earlier, you know. Loki’s not my boyfriend—”

“I am his betrothed,” Loki interrupted. “And we were rather hoping for an extended and _private_ honeymoon, but it would seem that Thor’s timing has made that quite impossible.”

There was a beat of silence which carried a similar weight to the final few seconds of a countdown to an explosion.

Then—

“Congratulations,” Steve said, sounding a little strangled. “I guess we really did have nothing to worry about.”

Thor followed him up with an excited yell, and ran forward to draw both Tony and Loki into a hug. Loki immediately began complaining and threatening to leave and never come back, but Tony was grinning brightly like he was enjoying every second of it.

Steve was smiling, and Bruce was looking a little like he was suffering from a bout of whiplash– but Natasha just moved to stand beside Clint.

“Well,” she whispered. “I know at least one other person who’s going to be thrilled by this development.”

Clint snorted, though he still looked a little frustrated at the way everything had turned out. “Maybe he’ll send them a card.”

“Oh, at least,” Natasha said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he shows up to officiate the wedding himself.”

“Well, good luck telling him,” Clint said, moving as if to sidle away. “You’ll have to tell me all about it when you get back—”

“Oh no, you’re not going to miss a thing,” Natasha said, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him toward the elevator while the others were still sufficiently distracted. “You’re coming with me.”

(And it wasn’t so bad in the end, because even if Fury muttered under his breath about their methods, he couldn’t deny that the results had been exactly what he’d asked for.)


End file.
